The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
