It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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