A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
