Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
