I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
