oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
