He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
