A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
