I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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