I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
