I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize