Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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