The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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