It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she peed on how many people?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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