can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
