grandma shit on top of the toilet
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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