I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
