I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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