I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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