I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
