it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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