i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
