I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
