New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
