He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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