im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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