Can Purell be used as lube?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
