chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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