This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
