This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
