is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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