tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
