you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
