im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
