just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
