Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
