Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
