sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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