Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
