I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
