He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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