I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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