i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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