The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wish my penis had a tongue
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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