Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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