saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
