My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
