Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
