I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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