I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Then you guys just all showered together...?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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