Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
