Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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