So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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