I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
