he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
