she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
