I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
