apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize