a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
