the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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